You are seeking out counselling and when you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. Id be very interested in that audio bookI hadnt heard about it before. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. This is perfectly normal. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. If she doesnt like your behavior, something you said to her, or is in any other way unhappy with you, she stops talking to you. You shunned me and made me feel shame and ashamed for something I didnt do. It's very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesn't protect them. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. 1. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. I thought she was angry with me. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. And it can leave you feeling down, or . You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. . 6. The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Scribbles about social issues and personal life. Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. Its a very real blind spot. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. For trauma therapy advice, contact emdrassociation.org.uk, If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk, After counselling you may feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life on your terms and with your boundaries, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. For more information, please see our That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. I am sorry that this is how the story ends for you. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. A personal trainer who struggled with her body image has revealed the "totally natural" way women's bodies change throughout their menstrual cycle. Please review our rules before interacting again. I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. But I cant change the past. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. . Good on you I am regretting this very much. It happened when I was five or six. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. She also likely did that with you too. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! It actually isnt. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. Your IP: Of course, you couldnt have. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. . Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. Another sign that your mother is emotionally abusive is if she gives you the silent treatment. I learned to tackle them on my own the hard way, much later into my teens. The core conflict in the daughter whose mother didn't love her remains between her continuing need for the love and support she missed and her need to protect, heal, and reclaim her authentic self. Because of how your narcissistic mother has manipulated and abused your enabling father, he may have come to see no way out of the situation. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. You dont see your granddaughters enough. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. I remember that she was angry. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. I love her, but I resent her for it. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. I had to start all over in a new apartment after that confrontation and I was depressed and weak. Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. JavaScript is disabled. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. Or that she had had a choice about them. Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. She was a victim too and was scared of him. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. Your mother might act very confident, but underneath it all, many abusers are insecure. The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. But you didnt. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. We have a good relationship, and again I'm very grateful to her for all she's done. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! It disgusts me. I have stopped looking for it from her. 2. Yes, thank you! he wasn't there again today . My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. That was the family story, and they have never deviated from it, not in 50 years. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. 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