Nows a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that the people you love arent improvement projects. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? It can be hard to wait through the change. Don't reach out to his ex. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. ?, I have to step back and tell myself, hes an adult and its his path to choose, the choice I get to make is whether to help him in the way he wants to be helped, or try to control things. Seriously. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! Emotional detachment. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Id still be loved (and unhassled!!) No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. LW, Im so sorry youre dealing with this. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. Sorry for the mix-up! Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. You know the fight that led to the end of our relationship? Many sympathies. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. ME. This guy is manipulative. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you bear in mind that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship you can still love someone deeply and make the choice that the relationship isnt healthy for either of you. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. I hope your boyfriend comes around, but I offer you my best wishes and confidence in your judgment no matter whether he does or not. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. When you constantly criticize their eating . It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. Yeah. I can go one better! Lets stay on topic.. Not okay. Anger is about taking, not giving. In detail. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. Terrified. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? "Breaking up evokes a lot of really strong emotions in people," Dr. Freitag explains. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. Well here are some tips what to do when your boyfriends stop texting. Its okay to stay, BUT IT IS ALSO OKAY TO GO. Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. This isnt sustainable. Reasonable. But for it to be helpful, she has to want to include me. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. You might think about trying an extended period of being away from each other, if such a thing is remotely possible. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. Hello, me from the past! This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. That one was also helpful. Sure, for some people hearing about the severely-depressed woman who climbed Everest without oxygen, ran a multi-billion-dollar corporation, had a movie-star husband and five kids, and still managed to look fabulous straight out of bed, all without medication or therapy of any kind, is inspiring. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. He immediately misses you. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. After it was removed, it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery. Like, no. They are debate tools. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. even when I was underweight for what is healthy for me, every one of those guys has gotten a big ole plate of Nope Surprise. So boyfriend needs to read up on stuff about mental health issues PRONTO. He wanted to call the shots. Anger flips the narrative. Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. Remote kissing device for long-distance lovers, invented and patented by Chinese university student in Changzhou City.The mouth-shaped module, served as an inducing area . Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. Now! Try to find something low key that has a predictable, repeatable structure so you see some of the same people every time and can form connections naturally over time. He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. He is avoiding it. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? He can just take you and chisel at you until he gets the enthusiastic, bubbly, thin dream-partner he wants out of what he sees to be a depressive heap. In some cases, thats true. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. The human incarnation of depression is just what I was thinking. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. Has the boyfriend pulled out stories of other people who have similar problems and yet manage to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers? I guarantee you it will only get worse. 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